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It’s not like I was ever traumatized by a knight as a child or beaten by a big-busted wench. I just hate renaissance festivals. I don’t think this really needs a reason. But hanging out with a bunch of dorks who dress up as 16th-century English villagers, speak with fake cockney accents, and pretend to actually be ale-swilling, sword-fighting Tudors makes me want to hurl in the privy.

So when I found myself at the Maryland Renaissance Festival on Sunday afternoon, bribed into attending by The Princess and her friends Cagey and Rory, I made sure to enjoy it as little as possible. And I failed.

The truth was, it didn’t suck. I won’t say I liked it or that I’d go back next year, but it definitely didn’t suck balls. And here’s why:

1. Cleavage
Though I hate the costumes of whatever ridiculous era revelers are trying to emulate, seeing most women wearing breast-endowing corsets is easily the best part of attending these nerdfests. Sure, I don’t need to see women who are well past the age of expectancy from 500 years ago squeezing into these lung-crunchers, but most chicks’ ample bosoms and cut-off Daisy Dukes made for nice eye candy and didn’t make me want to joust myself.

2. Nerdfest
Speaking of nerds, MDRF attracts some of the least socially accepted dregs of society. If you’re an outcast at your school, picked on by even your own parents, or generally reviled by the outside world, you will find acceptance and love here. All you need is a costume with a fake sword, pantaloons, and a funny hat and you’ll be the coolest kid in the realm.

3. Feats of strength
If you want to impress your date and feel like a man’s man, go for the festival games that test a man’s testosterone count. Just make sure you succeed. Though adept at knife-throwing and dart-tossing, I eschewed the battle axe hurling and wench dousing games to test my strength on Thor’s Hammer. I pounded that fucking lever like it was a Guatemalan trying to steal my wallet four times but not once came close to making the top bell ring. As I left, humiliated and sure The Princess wouldn’t be putting out that night, the guy running the game looked at me and said, in his best Poindexter voice, “Go back to your keyboard.”

4. Cute kids
Nothing gets a chick’s uterus jumping more than seeing photogenic children acting all adorable and shit. Even I found these little fucking imps to be endearing. Between dressing up as fairies, scaling the climbing wall, or running after bubbles, these pip-squeaks are not the most detestable people you’ll ever see and might restore your faith in humanity.

5. Meat on sticks
Have you ever wanted to walk around like Henry VIII eating a huge turkey leg? Me, too! Between the meats on sticks, fried macaroni and cheese, and ice cream, the food at MRF was reasonably priced and enough to make you feel like a royal glutton. It was, besides The Princess paying my $17 entry fee, one of the few reasons I agreed to attend.

6. It only happens once a year
So the Princess can’t make me go again. Take back Sunday! It’s ManDay.

Originally found at: http://arjewtino.com/2007/6-reasons-the-maryland-renaissance-festival-did-not-suck/